Hiways, Biways tag:www.bianyothername.com,2008:/blog//5 2007-11-25T06:16:49Z Dispatches from the road less travelled Movable Type 3.34 Some light from behind the clouds . . . ? tag:www.bianyothername.com,2007:/blog//5.415 2007-11-24T13:13:15Z 2007-11-25T06:16:49Z In what I'm sure is a complete coincidence, soon after writing the previous post, I ran across a book titled Letters From a Skeptic: A Son Wrestles with His Father's Questions about Christianity. After reading the summary and reviews, I... BiON http://www.bianyothername.com/blog previous post, I ran across a book titled Letters From a Skeptic: A Son Wrestles with His Father's Questions about Christianity. After reading the summary and reviews, I pounced on this book immediately. It's a pretty easy read. I sailed through it in about 4 hours. The structure of the book is an ongoing dialogue addressing questions that many people, believer and agnostic alike, have about God and Christianity. In a series of letters written between an unbelieving dad and his believing son, many hard questions are asked and answered, then turned over and debated some more. This is not a book of pat answers or easy questions. What I came away from this book with was the realization that it is not the Gospel that I wrestle with. What I have issues with is the fundamentalist propaganda with which I was indoctrinated after becoming a Christian.]]> "you're going to hell!," "That's just a demon," "Don't bother working toward a future, Jesus is coming soon," etc. . . . But at least there is a light. I would highly recommend this book to recovering fundamentalists, as well as agnostics or anyone who desires to know more about why they believe what they believe. It is possible to be a Christian, even if you don't think the Earth is a mere 6,000 years old, or if you think that the Left Behind series is utter drivel. The essence of Christianity is embodied in the Apostle's Creed. Yes, there are other important things, but as Augustine said, "In essentials, unity; in non-essentials, liberty; in all things, charity."]]> The storms come, the winds blow . . . tag:www.bianyothername.com,2007:/blog//5.413 2007-11-04T13:52:12Z 2007-11-04T13:55:40Z Whenever something new or different comes into my life, I tend to obsess on that thing, researching and learning about it until I know everything about it. I often do this to the exclusion of other things that are just... BiON http://www.bianyothername.com/blog see my bisexual orientation, I started researching everything I could find about being a gay Christian. As always, I tended to be a bit obsessive in my research. I was acutely aware that it would be quite easy for me to get lost in the “gay,” and forget about the “Christian” part.]]> everything. It seems to me that I have set up an impossible task, guaranteed to destroy my current belief system, leaving nothing in its place. “. . . and the storm came, and the wind blew, and the house built on a rock stood, but the house built on sand did not . . .” My, doesn't that sound familiar.]]> And in other news, the sun rose in the east this morning. tag:www.bianyothername.com,2007:/blog//5.410 2007-10-31T09:03:20Z 2007-11-04T13:51:53Z On the Klein Sexual Orientation Grid, I score an average of 2.86: 0123456StraightBisexualGayExplanation This result can also be related to the Kinsey Scale, on which I currently score 3.86: 0 = exclusively heterosexual 1 = predominantly heterosexual, incidentally homosexual 2... BiON http://www.bianyothername.com/blog 2.86:

0

1

2

3

4

5

6

Straight

Bisexual

Gay

Explanation This result can also be related to the Kinsey Scale, on which I currently score 3.86:

0 = exclusively heterosexual 1 = predominantly heterosexual, incidentally homosexual 2 = predominantly heterosexual, but more than incidentally homosexual 3 = equally heterosexual and homosexual 4 = predominantly homosexual, but more than incidentally heterosexual 5 = predominantly homosexual, incidentally heterosexual 6 = exclusively homosexual Summary The idea of this exercise is to understand exactly how dynamic a person's sexual orientation can be, as well as how fluid it can be over a person's lifespan. While a person's number of actual homo/heterosexual encounters may be easy to categorize, their actual orientation may be completely different. Simple labels like "homosexual", "bisexual", and "heterosexual" need not be the only three options available to us. Take the quiz]]> I have a friend tag:www.bianyothername.com,2007:/blog//5.405 2007-09-29T11:50:04Z 2007-10-01T00:52:28Z One of the symptoms of depression is that you tend to withdraw from everything; pleasurable activities, family, friends. One such friend has been staying with us for the last few weeks. We'll call him "Jim." Jim is also bisexual, as... BiON http://www.bianyothername.com/blog when the ground began crumbling beneath my feet, Jim was there. He reached down into the vortex, grabbed my arm, and pulled me back.]]> really understand. Jim has been there. He's worn ruts into that road. He knows what it's like, and like the thousandth man, has stuck with me to the gallows' foot, and after. Thank you, Jim. For everything.]]> About that last post . . . tag:www.bianyothername.com,2007:/blog//5.407 2007-09-28T12:21:23Z 2007-09-30T12:27:00Z My apologies if the language in the previous post offends. I was feeling pretty raw at the time, so I've decided to leave it the way that it came out. Authenticity, and all that.... BiON http://www.bianyothername.com/blog My apologies if the language in the previous post offends. I was feeling pretty raw at the time, so I've decided to leave it the way that it came out. Authenticity, and all that. Depression Fucking Sucks tag:www.bianyothername.com,2007:/blog//5.400 2007-09-28T03:09:53Z 2007-10-01T10:21:40Z Down Down Down into the black depths; emotions lying to me, making me irritable, hating everything around me. I'd rather be Mr. Spock. Cold, emotionless. Better not to know love than to feel this way. I become an asshole, mistreating... BiON http://www.bianyothername.com/blog Down Down Down into the black depths; emotions lying to me, making me irritable, hating everything around me. I'd rather be Mr. Spock. Cold, emotionless. Better not to know love than to feel this way. I become an asshole, mistreating everyone around me. I know they're not the source, but they bear the brunt of my anger. I love my family. They are a gift. I treat them like a Christmas present from Aunt Myrtle. They deserve better. Unfortunately, they're stuck with me. Doctor, doctor, give me the news . . . tag:www.bianyothername.com,2007:/blog//5.404 2007-09-21T04:40:26Z 2007-09-29T11:46:44Z After extensive searching I finally found a psychologist to visit. Apparently, psychiatrists don't particularly care if you have pressing problems, since the earliest I could get with any was over two months from now. So, my first appointment was today.... BiON http://www.bianyothername.com/blog psychiatrists don't particularly care if you have pressing problems, since the earliest I could get with any was over two months from now. So, my first appointment was today. I like her. We seemed to click, and I think that together, we can work toward improving the situation. Hope we have as an anchor to the soul. -Hebrews 6:19 Today, for the first time in a while, I feel hopeful.]]> What's that bright light in the sky? tag:www.bianyothername.com,2007:/blog//5.403 2007-09-15T11:33:28Z 2007-09-29T11:38:46Z A couple days ago, instead of sleeping for 17 hours straight, I finally got out of the house during the daylight (I work third shift) and did some socializing (Wednesday night dinner at church). It's amazing what a difference a... BiON http://www.bianyothername.com/blog A couple days ago, instead of sleeping for 17 hours straight, I finally got out of the house during the daylight (I work third shift) and did some socializing (Wednesday night dinner at church). It's amazing what a difference a little vitamin D(aylight) and F(riends) can make. That was the first time in about a month that I had been outside during the day except for traveling home from work. I'm still not my normal über-chipper self, but the last few days have been much better. I'm still looking for a good doc that's on my health plan. I think I just need to close my eyes, point and call one. Crash & Burn tag:www.bianyothername.com,2007:/blog//5.402 2007-09-07T07:00:04Z 2007-09-29T11:32:40Z I am so sick of this dark cloud hanging over me. I'm no good to myself or anyone else like this, but what can I do? I'm stuck with this until it decides to move on. Usually, a good night's... BiON http://www.bianyothername.com/blog I am so sick of this dark cloud hanging over me. I'm no good to myself or anyone else like this, but what can I do? I'm stuck with this until it decides to move on. Usually, a good night's sleep will suffice to get rid of a 'mood.' All I've done for the last two weeks is work and sleep, it seems, and I wake up feeling little better (emotionally) than when I went to sleep. I need to find a doctor to talk to. Perhaps a change of medication would help. I'm afraid. I haven't been this bad since I was first diagnosed, and I don't remember being this bad for this long then. I've even had passing thoughts of suicide. I couldn't do that, though. I would hurt too many people, and it's the quitter's way out, anyway. That is not the solution to anything, it's just the ultimate avoidance technique. Past finding a good shrink (a challenge in itself), I'm not sure what to do. I don't see how I can change any of the stressors in my life. In spite of the stress, I love my job and the people I work with. It literally is my dream job, and I don't want to quit (can't anyway), can't just decide "ya know, I just don't think I'll be bisexual anymore." God, please help me. I don't think anyone else can. Mourning tag:www.bianyothername.com,2007:/blog//5.399 2007-08-14T06:59:00Z 2007-09-28T09:46:53Z Finally admitting to myself that I am bisexual and fully embracing that fact with all its implications has affected me in many ways, some if them unexpected. For instance, I find myself experiencing a weird dichotomy: on the one hand,... BiON http://www.bianyothername.com/blog Finally admitting to myself that I am bisexual and fully embracing that fact with all its implications has affected me in many ways, some if them unexpected. For instance, I find myself experiencing a weird dichotomy: on the one hand, I love (and desire) my wife, thus always have been and will be faithful to her. Even so, I find myself experiencing a certain wistfulness, even sadness, that I have never experienced (and never will) "the other side." truest sense, standing with me as I work this puzzle out. Since the initial (understandable) travail when I came out to her, she has been very open and understanding, and is traveling this path with me as well. "All who wander are not lost." Gandalf the Grey said this, and it applies here. Grief is a natural part of our existence; we all face loss to varying degrees throughout life. We often wander through the wilderness for years before moving on in our lives, and we never move on without being changed. We must choose whether we will toss the puzzle aside in frustration, or solve it; whether the change in us is bitterness, or growth. The ball, as they say, is in my court. ". . . I have set before you life and death . . . Now choose life!"
- Deuteronomy 30:19-20]]> Random thoughts . . . tag:www.bianyothername.com,2007:/blog//5.398 2007-08-01T15:35:00Z 2007-09-28T09:49:40Z A t-shirt that I used to have (one of my very favorites) read: HETEROSEXUAL does not mean homophobic WHITE does not mean racist MALE does not mean sexistNot sure if I should wear it anymore. Maybe if I had a... BiON http://www.bianyothername.com/blog HETEROSEXUAL does not mean homophobic WHITE does not mean racist MALE does not mean sexist

Not sure if I should wear it anymore. Maybe if I had a new one made in Bi Pride colors . . .]]> Seasons of Love tag:www.bianyothername.com,2007:/blog//5.397 2007-07-31T14:04:00Z 2007-09-28T09:45:58Z I was recently involved in a discussion regarding God "healing" me of being bisexual. I started to reply to a comment there, but by the time I was done, realized that I'd gone off-topic for that forum, so I decided... BiON http://www.bianyothername.com/blog I was recently involved in a discussion regarding God "healing" me of being bisexual. I started to reply to a comment there, but by the time I was done, realized that I'd gone off-topic for that forum, so I decided to post it here. Quotes are only modified for context. Such modifications are in {}. I can echo with firm conviction several of the points that were made: I believe God created me with a purpose in mind -a role to play in His kingdom- and at least part of that role requires me to be {bisexual}. God is calling me to something outside myself. I have always chosen the easy, comfortable route in my life. I've been a "cultural Christian." Think Laodicea. I hope that those days are coming to an end. The flip side of this is that if I wander out of my comfort zone, by extension, I drag my family with me. This is part of the reason that I am posting here, instead of my personal blog. The idea of being {bisexual} scared me. I didn’t want to be different, or all of a sudden have to care about a certain group of people, or find answers to a set of difficult questions. I didn’t want to put at risk my comfortable place in my church, my family, and in my circle of Christian friends. And yet none of that is about honoring Christ. That’s about being afraid, and Jesus says that His perfect love casts out all fear. Why then should I be capitulating to those fears in my life? . . . [capitulating to those fears] wasn’t leading me in the direction of increased Christlikeness. What I believe God is showing me is that the vast majority of my walk with Him (or lack thereof) I have chosen the path of least resistance. (Part of that has come from the charismatic/prosperity idea that God wouldn't call us to do anything that does not spring from our own desires. "Go where the peace is" doesn't necessarily mean "go where you're most likely to be happy." But that's a whole 'nother post.) If God hadn't allowed me to become aware of and embrace my bisexual orientation, would I have started learning or caring about the gay community? Would I or my wife have ever even given them more than a passing thought, other than the pro forma "hate the sin, love the sinner" mantra that we believers tend to spout without any intention of walking out that love? This is also forcing me/us to face some very difficult questions. There haven't been this many pieces of my belief system - values, whatever you'd like to call it - in play since, probably, I was first exposed to the Gospel. And yet, I know that God will ultimately lead me to His Truth - embodied in a closer, more honoring walk with Christ. This leads directly to the elephant in the middle of our living room: the idea of me coming out to our parents and families, our friends, etc. We're both afraid, I believe, of how they might react, what they might think. The reason I say "both" is because I realize that if I come out publicly, then, in a sense, so is she. The reaction of family and friends will affect not just me, but her and the kids (who don't know yet) as well. For this reason, I don't want to make this very big step until we are in agreement. I believe that the overriding question is, "how can we most honor Christ in our lives?" He said to love Him with all our hearts, and to love our neighbors as ourselves. If I love someone, I am going to be honest with them. I believe that God is calling us to (in our little corner of the world) help to heal some of the rifts between GLBT folks and (sometimes well-intentioned) Christians. On the one hand, how can I encourage someone to be open and honest about himself with other believers if I don't have the courage to be open and honest myself? If my secret ever got out, I would appear to be a hypocrite in their eyes, at the very least. On the other hand, how can I encourage believers who have never in their lives known a gay, lesbian or bisexual person, if I can't be an open example of someone who loves and follows the Lord, even while having a bisexual orientation? If GLBT folks remain an abstract idea, as opposed to a concrete, living, warm-blooded human example, there will be no change. In the same way, if Christians remain an abstract idea to GLBTs, change will not happen there, either. Yes, there is risk involved. We may lose friends, or some of our families may distance themselves from us. Jesus said, "I have come to turn 'a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law - a man's enemies will be the members of his own household.' Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me." Matt 10:35-37 Those are hard words. I don't like risk more than anyone else, but I believe that God is calling us to a more radical, risk-taking walk with Him. That trumps everything, even rejection of us (including the kids) by those around us. Imagine if we lived in China, where believers risk being tossed in a prison or outright murdered on the spot by the State for just having a home church group meeting. Ultimately, what is rejection by "friends" compared to that, or to the rejection that Christ Himself suffered? We have been truly blessed by God in our lives, in so many ways. I am reminded though, that "to whom much is given, much is required." These are my thoughts, and generally outline what my wife and I have been tentatively feeling our way through for these last few weeks. I love her even more now than before; I am so blessed to have her as my wife. She and I are committed to each other for life, and she knows that I will remain faithful, but she is having to process an awful lot right now in addition to her normal hectic life. And she hates change. I would ask that anyone reading this would pray that the Lord would open her heart to this "new thing" that He is doing, and give us both wisdom in our decision-making in this area.]]> The Road Not Taken tag:www.bianyothername.com,2007:/blog//5.396 2007-07-29T07:02:00Z 2007-10-01T10:22:27Z by Robert Frost Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveller, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth;... BiON http://www.bianyothername.com/blog by Robert Frost Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, And sorry I could not travel both And be one traveller, long I stood And looked down one as far as I could To where it bent in the undergrowth; Then took the other, as just as fair, And having perhaps the better claim, Because it was grassy and wanted wear; Though as for that the passing there Had worn them really about the same, And both that morning equally lay In leaves no step had trodden black. Oh, I kept the first for another day! Yet knowing how way leads on to way, I doubted if I should ever come back. I shall be telling this with a sigh Somewhere ages and ages hence: Two roads diverged in a wood, and I-- I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. Since I came out, this has become my anthem. Walking the path of a bisexual Christian is most definitely the "one less traveled by."]]> Triumph of the Will . . . ? tag:www.bianyothername.com,2007:/blog//5.395 2007-07-28T10:09:00Z 2007-09-28T09:51:03Z As I had mentioned a few entries back, I have been dealing with the issue of porn for years; computers, broadband and long nights alone can be a killer . . . Interestingly, since I came out to myself, this... BiON http://www.bianyothername.com/blog As I had mentioned a few entries back, I have been dealing with the issue of porn for years; computers, broadband and long nights alone can be a killer . . . Interestingly, since I came out to myself, this doesn't seem to have been an issue for me. It could be coincidence, but you never can tell . . . I think that finding a *safe* place online to share my struggles with others in similar situations has had a bearing on this as well. OGTs* tag:www.bianyothername.com,2007:/blog//5.394 2007-07-26T15:07:00Z 2007-09-28T09:52:17Z *Obvious Gay Traits I was talking with someone the other day about stereotypes and whether to avoid natural personality traits that may correlate with a negative stereotype. Translation: if you naturally act 'gay,' should you try not to act that... BiON http://www.bianyothername.com/blog *Obvious Gay Traits I was talking with someone the other day about stereotypes and whether to avoid natural personality traits that may correlate with a negative stereotype. Translation: if you naturally act 'gay,' should you try not to act that way?" This started me thinking; as usual, this square peg has trouble fitting any round hole. On the one hand, - I can build or fix almost anything, from cars to houses (thanks, Dad) - I love military history - I'm a gun enthusiast, and enjoy hunting - I drive a pick-up truck (I'm from Texas, though, so that may not count) - I hate quiche! On the other hand,]]> The thing is, even if I wanted to or could change any of these things, I would cease being who I am. Which leads us back to the chicken and the egg: do I have these traits because I am bisexual, or am I bi because I have these traits? Or do they really have anything to do with each other? Correlation does not always equal causation. It could be coincidence. Regardless, "I yam what I yam, and that's all that I yam!"]]>