I am so sick of this dark cloud hanging over me. I'm no good to myself or anyone else like this, but what can I do? I'm stuck with this until it decides to move on. Usually, a good night's sleep will suffice to get rid of a 'mood.' All I've done for the last two weeks is work and sleep, it seems, and I wake up feeling little better (emotionally) than when I went to sleep. I need to find a doctor to talk to. Perhaps a change of medication would help.

I'm afraid. I haven't been this bad since I was first diagnosed, and I don't remember being this bad for this long then. I've even had passing thoughts of suicide. I couldn't do that, though. I would hurt too many people, and it's the quitter's way out, anyway. That is not the solution to anything, it's just the ultimate avoidance technique.

Past finding a good shrink (a challenge in itself), I'm not sure what to do. I don't see how I can change any of the stressors in my life. In spite of the stress, I love my job and the people I work with. It literally is my dream job, and I don't want to quit (can't anyway), can't just decide "ya know, I just don't think I'll be bisexual anymore."

God, please help me. I don't think anyone else can.

A couple days ago, instead of sleeping for 17 hours straight, I finally got out of the house during the daylight (I work third shift) and did some socializing (Wednesday night dinner at church). It's amazing what a difference a little vitamin D(aylight) and F(riends) can make. That was the first time in about a month that I had been outside during the day except for traveling home from work.

I'm still not my normal über-chipper self, but the last few days have been much better. I'm still looking for a good doc that's on my health plan. I think I just need to close my eyes, point and call one.

After extensive searching I finally found a psychologist to visit. Apparently, psychiatrists don't particularly care if you have pressing problems, since the earliest I could get with any was over two months from now.

So, my first appointment was today. I like her. We seemed to click, and I think that together, we can work toward improving the situation.

Hope we have as an anchor to the soul.
-Hebrews 6:19

Today, for the first time in a while, I feel hopeful.

Down

Down

Down

into the black depths; emotions lying to me,
making me irritable, hating everything around me.

I'd rather be Mr. Spock. Cold, emotionless.
Better not to know love than to feel this way.

I become an asshole, mistreating everyone around me.
I know they're not the source,
but they bear the brunt of my anger.

I love my family. They are a gift.
I treat them like a Christmas present
from Aunt Myrtle.

They deserve better.
Unfortunately, they're stuck with me.

One of the symptoms of depression is that you tend to withdraw from everything; pleasurable activities, family, friends.

One such friend has been staying with us for the last few weeks. We'll call him "Jim." Jim is also bisexual, as well as dealing with other issues such as bipolar, PTSD (combat vet), diabetes and assorted other fun things. He's seen and been through a lot more than I can begin to comprehend.

The other night, when the ground began crumbling beneath my feet, Jim was there. He reached down into the vortex, grabbed my arm, and pulled me back.